1. Find a weather app for your phone/ ipad /pc /mac and set it for your home town ... but in another part of the world. I've just found a Teddington in New Zealand where, despite the fact that it's their winter , the sun is shining every day .
2. Ditch any attempts to style your hair it will only end up in a wiry frizz. Instead go buy some outrageous hair accesssory ( Accessorize have a half price sale on right now ) and wear it with pride. I'm sporting green dreadlocks today.
3. Stuff the BBQ - burnt sausages are vastly over-rated. Buy tins of warming comfort food like baked beans and rice pudding - cheap and cheerful too.
4. Do NOT attempt to emulate the picnic experience by pretending to hold one in your living room with your plethora of Cath Kidston picnicware, as the magazines suggest, to entertain your kids. There is nothing sadder than a pretend picnic in a grey living room and you will only spill blackcurrant squash on the carpet. Tell them that they've got to play on the X box all day and will likely have to for the next two weeks. Result - guilt free peace and quiet all round and remind yourself frequently that X Boxes and Play-stations improve your children's hand to eye co-ordination.
5. Buy wine by the box. Cheaper than the bottled variety and makes the evening pass surprisingly swiftly . This has the added benefit of rendering the following morning a fuzzy experience in which to ignore the morning's weather forecast.
6. Talking of which, ignore the weather forecast. you know what it's going to say . Instead invent a few Sun Newspaper style headlines , such as Wet Wash-out Weekend Wreaks Havoc in the West or Blustery Gales Batter Britain . This has the added benefit of improving your children's grasp of onomatopoeia.
7. Cancel all outdoor engagements and go internet shopping instead. Nothing like a parcel in the post to bring cheer and it's your postman who'll get wet , not you , although we like our postman- apologies Dave.
8. Chuck out your sun screen. It wastes space in your bathroom cabinet and no-one likes that greasy experience of oily hands anyway. Stay pale , it's the new cool.
9. Make Christmas Cards. One less thing to do come December.
10. Adjust your calendar. Tear off July, August and September and just pretend you've gone straight to September without passing jail. Don't forget to collect £200 when you pass Go.
And if all else fails , you can always cheer yourself up by thinking it could be worse ... at least there's no Glastonbury this year.
Hee hee. Just off for another G&T!
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